"Maybe less thinking, more just doing in the context of enjoying people.  If we all break the same way then why am I trying to be better?  I will break, but the question is how hard I will work and love [in the context of others?] between those times of breakage.  I try to take a noble path, but satisfying my desires seems no less noble and seems to be what all my other peers do.  Why not go for myself?  Maybe this is the natural thing to do afterall.  When people help themselves, they often help others, according to Adam Smith.  I have to do what I have to do, please help me God.  I do not know such things; please help me God in these trying times when it seems like I am a loser and feel she will never love me.  Again I should consider that a possibility, but it is humbling, especially when it seems like the girl I like may be always out of reach if I do not change who I am or have my perception of who I need changed – maybe I already know who I need but I just do not desire it and desire something that is not most helpful and needed for me.  Maybe [x] really is worlds different from me and I am being gross in trying to capture something that is better suited to something more like herself.  Perhaps not something better but something different, however the harder I try the better that option becomes because I become worse the harder I try to acquire something that is not mine, that knows who she is and what complements her—something I may never attain to either because of deep, built-in aspects or even desires that she has that I will never become.  Why do I like this girl so much?  Am I so blind?  This girl is very different from me, and maybe, as [y] remarked, I do not know who I am looking for and therefore just grab whatever seems good.  Maybe I am seriously defective in this tendency to be clingy to the person who stands out to me most."

I think a paradigm shift in my thinking and prioritizing scheme is necessary in order to complete my senior thesis this semester.  I realize that I prioritize urgent things and things that catch my attention and I spend much time on urgent things that are also difficult because I am too concerned about seeing those projects turn out well and not enough concerned with other priorities that have a longer timeline or that have deadlines that are not immediate.  How am I going to do this?  Too much focus on one priority can leave others out.  Maybe this semester, however, I can concentrate more on important things that have more distant deadlines, even to the exclusion of other, more immediate, things.  I realize that the things with more distant deadlines are just as urgent if I am able to see clearly what tasks they require in the present.  The difficulty lies in distinguishing the present tasks of these things with distant deadlines and also comparing the priorities of the present tasks once distinguished with those of other urgent tasks.  I recognize some things are asked or required of me and some things I am free to do or not do.  I am not trying to imply that I must prioritize doing things of the former category, but I am trying to simply recognize the distinction that exists.  I have a thesis that I am required to write to graduate, and other required things, and in approaching them I hope to balance the negative consequences of not getting them done or not doing them as well, with the negative consequences of not doing other things that appear important, but are not asked or required of me by any one.  An extreme example of things of the latter category is some thing like Bible study.  Any comments on what I have written here are welcome.  I wrote this as I was thinking as a way to record my thoughts about this, and only when I was writing the previous sentence did I think about posting it here.  I then made a few edits.

Talked with X and Y tonight about relationships.  The questions I came away from the discussion with were, is now the right time?  How will I know when the right time is?  I can derive false security in a relationship, but I can also give and receive Godly encouragement and love.  But when Y made this point I did not realize that friendships can also do this; at any rate the point does not suggest when one should enter into a relationship, other than “as soon as possible” and that does not seem right.  Maybe I ought to admit to myself that I think my desire for Z might be lust, and I am reluctant to enter into a relationship with her for that reason, because I feel if not founded on love than it might not fully satisfy me.  But wait, I can love her despite my lustful feelings.  I ought to be more concerned about the extent to which she loves me, if I should be concerned about anything.  Again the question is, do I choose someone who loves God more or less?  I know deep down having love will only truly satisfy me, but my romantic desires remain.  Is there then a tradeoff?  Or even a complete sacrifice of one for the other?  Or, can love expressed in giving one’s body and self to another person be sufficient or even superlative romance, although I might not be immediately attracted to the person’s looks and personality?  I think this might be the case; and I almost want it to be the case, whether I should or should not want this.  I should not, rather I will let the truth permeate me here as in other areas.  If I cannot resist the woman I marry because of the natural beauty that God endows women with, perhaps all women although I do not know—or perhaps we each only see the natural beauty of certain women—but if the natural beauty is present (although perhaps I am not intensely attracted—at any rate, attraction probably dies down), and her love is present, and my love is present, is there valid reason why I should not be romantically satisfied and also enjoying her love?  This is hard.  I would love to enter into a relationship with Z but doubts about if I should hold me back.  With a strong impulse to tell her around the fall retreat subsided, or maybe “overcome” is a better word if it was wrong, now perhaps I will only act when I feel led to.  God moves me to act on a daily basis.  I feel he can also move me to act at the right time in this situation.  Although sometimes I subside to bad motives.  Even when I do feel it is right to act in certain cases, I am still acting in a flawed way and out of flawed motives, to a degree, because I am still sinful.  This is why I pray, God, that your will and not mine be done in this situation.  However painful it is, you endured the cross.